I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
