I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize