A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
it was like eating out sand paper
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
