FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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