Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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