the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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