No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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