You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
