can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
