I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
