You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
