it was like eating out sand paper
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We need a shit load of segways right now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
