Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So many bounce houses so little time
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
