I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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