Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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