It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
