i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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