I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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