May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
