i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
