i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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