do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize