Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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