I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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