I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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