when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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