Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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