i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
