Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
