those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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