I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Floor bacon is actually really good
Couch. On fire.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
