we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
