How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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