I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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