I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
