So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
