All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
