Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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