That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
