I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize