This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
