so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize