When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize