My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I did not marry a roomba.
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