I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
