I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
