You're completely useless in the revolution.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
