i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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