I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
