Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
