So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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