Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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