I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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