You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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