I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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