Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
