im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
