so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
