I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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