Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
