I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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