I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
